Every spare moment I would jump on my fixie (if it wasn’t raining, or bus if it was) and explore more streets, more galleries, cafes, or neighbourhoods slowly getting to know Manchester and all her intricacies, loves and history. I would glow in beginners mind, in awe of everything.

In the time I have been back in New Zealand it has been a long transition of moving. It feels like that was 2011, even though we have been back for longer. Moving and settling, no adventure, no balance, no freedom, no fun, none at the same time. No beginners mind. It has become a habit that I do not like so it is time to change it. My mission for January to drag me out of this state of being, is to treat Auckland like a tourist. To throw on my beginners mind glasses and explore. Usually I write massive lists of what I want to do but it is simple this year and I guess this is my resolution.

My favourite pictures from Manchester:

At work, looking back toward Manchester City. I was besotted (and still am) with the snow.

Outside one of my locals, Tea Cup.

At the edge of Piccadilly square highlighting some of Manchester’s sites.

After 9-months of living in the Northern Quarter I moved out to Whalley Range into an old Victorian Villa that was once attached to another. All that was left behind of the ‘other’ was its entrance way.

History poking through. I love how the cobbles poke through in Manchester’s little allies. Reminding us…

These little spaceman decorate the city and on a map make the picture of the spaceman. I only ever found one.

Oklahoma Tuesday’s.

The Manchester Buddhist centre where I spent a lot of time.

I got engaged to these hands.

Lama Mark talked about stories.

• We had to note all the stories we told ourselves.
• All the stories we’ve brought in to.
• And the major stories going on in our being: our feeling tone.

On the weekend two friends of mine got married.  They have been engaged for oh, ten years.  It was a lovely wedding and even more lovely to see such emotion; after ten years!  Wonderful.

The beautiful blue warm wedding day was contrasted with a Sunday of incessant rain and chilly temperatures.  This is Auckland’s spring; bipolar weather and it motivates me to put an extra few dollars in the travel savings account. I’m getting antsy. So, so, so antsy.  For now that has to wait. That is the quandary of living at the bottom of the earth. It isn’t just a weekend away (Australia doesn’t count, they are just the Northern Northern Island). To go anywhere is a mammoth expense and time heavy. Arh well work travels in October will at least allow me to throw on the adventure hat, albeit only to the South Island.

- Buddha

I was out at our Christchurch office, the Sport Cantebury building at QE2 stadium. Just having finished a meeting I had a quick bite to eat and was working at a hot desk on my laptop. All of a sudden there was this big draining noise and the power went out. It wasn’t that normal ‘power gone’ out feeling. It felt like two drawn out seconds before everything began to rattle. My work colleague Sarah and I stood up, looked at each other and then dived under our desks. It felt like I was only under there for a few seconds but apparently it was a minute long quake. All I remember was crouching, with my right hand holding the top of the desk, and left hand on the wall and wobbling back and forward, and up and down. I can’t remember anything except a few seconds of that. I have a blank spot in my memory for the 50 or so other seconds. I think my body just shut down with fear. I must have been whacking against something under the desk as the evidence is bruising down my left leg, and my back is stiff as anything.

After the shaking finished I froze. It wasn’t until Sarah shouted “Amy! Are you OK?!” That I realized it had stopped and I got out from under the desk. Everyone instantly said, “Oh no that was bad.” Sarah screamed “oh my god look at that!” I looked out the window and saw a 3 to 4 metre section of the playing field cracked and sucken about about 30cm. It was heading right for the building. We evacuated quickly only to see that the building had moved about 20cm. The ground kept rumbling every 10 minutes for the next few hours and as time worn on more fear kicked in.

I just wanted out. Sarah and I waited for Helen, our colleague to return. She had been driving when it hit. Thankfully she was in a fairly empty industrial estate, but she was closer to the epi-centre than we were. It took her 3hours to get back us (normally 10mins), and it was lucky she was driving a 4WD as the roads started to fill with sand and water. We decided we would try to leave as soon as possible. The after shocks kept coming and the roads continued to get worse. Driving to the airport cars were down truck sized holes in the roads and the radio started to tell us how bad it was in the city. Our Hotel, were my luggage still is was one of the worst hit streets, and the hotel next to it, is about to collapse.

We drove toward the airport trying to find somewhere to stay along the way but of course there was nowhere to stay. Then I found out my second cousins house was OK so we ended up there, determined be to at the airport early.

After-shocks in the dark, when you are alone seem to be more scary than when you are with other people. Every hour one rattled the house and my levels of fear continued to rise. Each shock rattled the house, and rattled my body as adrenalin pulsed through me, making my heart pound. I just wanted to get out of there. The radio told us of all the deaths, and when we got to my second cousins we saw how bad it was on TV. I kept pushing the ‘what if’s’ away, how I was in the city: staying in the city just a few hours before it hit, and realizing how lucky I was.

I flew out about an hour and a half after my scheduled departure. The airport was like a war zone. The flight silent, the whole way to Wellington. Everybody had an intense look of vulnerability, sadness, and fear in their eyes.

It is a strange feeling when the ground beneath you is no longer stable. We see the ground as solid, but it is just as impermanent as us.

I learnt I push fear away. I try to ignore it, and run away.

I look back to the morning before: I hope I lived up to the challenge, with each and every person I interacted with at the cafe I had breakfast, the taxi driver who took me to the office. All the people I ran past that morning on my run.

And I wonder if they are still here?

The challenge:

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”

- Og Mandino

Since coming back to New Zealand my practice has been hit and miss. It is more difficult to get into a study group here as there are a limited number of teachers to take classes. I’m am extremely impatient person. I want everything to happen: now. I always have a massive list of things to do and prioritize this over more important things: often. This is where the study group was good. It shook me out of my habits with weekly homework making me look at life differently. Yesterday I stumbled upon Gwen Bell’s new e-book Digital Warriorship. Gwen is a social media expert and in this great read talks about discernment, disconnecting and many other Buddhist applications to the digital world. The above quote came from this.

I read it, and stopped. Wondering… could I do that for homework, for a week?

Instant resistance came up: “I don’t have time!” But what is my priority, my ‘other side’ asked? My left and right brains argued it would slow me down, and I wouldn’t achieve as much. It would mean I have to engage more with people, that I have to open my heart and see people, really see them in that moment. It would mean I would see suffering, and it would hurt. It would mean that every interaction I have I would have to stop having it from a ‘me’ perspective, but have it from a them perspective instead. Again my things to do part of my ego went into a instant panic. Again, ‘what are my priorities’ kept asking back. I think I’ve reached a point where it is time to find that balance. I want more meaningful connections with people, with friends, but that does not change unless I do.

It scares the shit out of me.

So let’s begin.

There is a lot of letting go when you finally see you are over committed and accept that’s not a way to live or be.  Tension drained and then finally I started seeing the beauty that shone through in each person I met throughout my day.  The happy bus driver.  The beautiful sun, and the simple ‘going about’ the day that we each go through.  The grumpy lady on the bus, because she had to wait longer than she wanted to for it to arrive.  The tolerant driver accepting of her frustration which quickly turned into laughter with his patience response.  My immediate thoughts of judging turned into compassion as I saw this woman differently.  Instead of seeing her rudeness, I saw her distress, her panic.

It reminded me of a comment someone once said, though I can’t remember who.  “People don’t intentionally get up in the morning determined to have a shit day or to make other people’s days miserable.”

The challenge:

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”

- Og Mandino

Since coming back to New Zealand my practice has been hit and miss.  It is more difficult to get into a study group here as there are a limited number of teachers to take classes.  I’m am extremely impatient person.  I want everything to happen: now.  I always have a massive list of things to do and prioritize this over more important things: often.  This is where the study group was good.  It shook me out of my habits with weekly homework making me look at life differently.  Yesterday I stumbled upon Gwen Bell’s new e-book Digital Warriorship.  Gwen is a social media expert and in this great read talks about discernment, disconnecting and many other Buddhist applications to the digital world.  The above quote came from this.

I read it, and stopped.  Wondering… could I do that for homework, for a week?

Instant resistance came up: “I don’t have time!” But what is my priority, my ‘other side’ asked?  My left and right brains argued it would slow me down, and I wouldn’t achieve as much.  It would mean I have to engage more with people, that I have to open my heart and see people, really see them in that moment.  It would mean I would see suffering, and it would hurt.  It would mean that every interaction I have I would have to stop having it from a ‘me’ perspective, but have it from a them perspective instead.  Again my things to do part of my ego went into a instant panic.  Again, ‘what are my priorities’ kept asking back.  I think I’ve reached a point where it is time to find that balance.  I want more meaningful connections with people, with friends, but that does not change unless I do.

It scares the shit out of me.

So let’s begin.

The phrase for day two.  I keep remembering I have this challenge, and then my mind floods with with ‘things to do.’  My list keeps getting longer.  I keep apologizing to people for being a day behind, a week behind, so far behind.  I realize I have four jobs, and it was almost a mistake getting into this position.  I coach, I write books, I work full time, and I coach coaches:  but I haven’t coached myself.

I’m completely intolerant and frustrated I’m so behind, and have not one second to myself.  I foolishly thought I can rush progress.  But our natural laws don’t happen like that.  You can force things.  You have to be guided by the middle way that is maximum progression with maximum balance.  This day taught me I’ve tipped over the edge.  It’s time to pull back to the middle of the bell curve and be more than a list ticker.

It’s time to untangle.

The challenge:

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”

- Og Mandino

Since coming back to New Zealand my practice has been hit and miss.  It is more difficult to get into a study group here as there are a limited number of teachers to take classes.  I’m am extremely impatient person.  I want everything to happen: now.  I always have a massive list of things to do and prioritize this over more important things: often.  This is where the study group was good.  It shook me out of my habits with weekly homework making me look at life differently.  Yesterday I stumbled upon Gwen Bell’s new e-book Digital Warriorship.  Gwen is a social media expert and in this great read talks about discernment, disconnecting and many other Buddhist applications to the digital world.  The above quote came from this.

I read it, and stopped.  Wondering… could I do that for homework, for a week?

Instant resistance came up: “I don’t have time!” But what is my priority, my ‘other side’ asked?  My left and right brains argued it would slow me down, and I wouldn’t achieve as much.  It would mean I have to engage more with people, that I have to open my heart and see people, really see them in that moment.  It would mean I would see suffering, and it would hurt.  It would mean that every interaction I have I would have to stop having it from a ‘me’ perspective, but have it from a them perspective instead.  Again my things to do part of my ego went into a instant panic.  Again, ‘what are my priorities’ kept asking back.  I think I’ve reached a point where it is time to find that balance.  I want more meaningful connections with people, with friends, but that does not change unless I do.

It scares the shit out of me.

So let’s begin.

And then I remembered, alone at the time, disappointed I’d already forgotten.  Back to it, the value of this practice came through already.  The stark reality of impermanance slapping me in the face, and how much I judge people when interacting with them.  I kept asking myself, but what does it really mean to see them like that?  At first I thought just being more present.  ’Just’ is so seemingly small, yet is so big.

To start with I talked more, engaged more with people I normally wouldn’t.  It felt forced, and it was.  But that was the point.  Day one, I’m forcing myself out of my habit with mindfulness.  Who knows what will happen next.

The challenge:

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”

- Og Mandino

Since coming back to New Zealand my practice has been hit and miss.  It is more difficult to get into a study group here as there are a limited number of teachers to take classes.  I’m am extremely impatient person.  I want everything to happen: now.  I always have a massive list of things to do and prioritize this over more important things: often.  This is where the study group was good.  It shook me out of my habits with weekly homework making me look at life differently.  Yesterday I stumbled upon Gwen Bell’s new e-book Digital Warriorship.  Gwen is a social media expert and in this great read talks about discernment, disconnecting and many other Buddhist applications to the digital world.  The above quote came from this.

I read it, and stopped.  Wondering… could I do that for homework, for a week?

Instant resistance came up: “I don’t have time!” But what is my priority, my ‘other side’ asked?  My left and right brains argued it would slow me down, and I wouldn’t achieve as much.  It would mean I have to engage more with people, that I have to open my heart and see people, really see them in that moment.  It would mean I would see suffering, and it would hurt.  It would mean that every interaction I have I would have to stop having it from a ‘me’ perspective, but have it from a them perspective instead.  Again my things to do part of my ego went into a instant panic.  Again, ‘what are my priorities’ kept asking back.  I think I’ve reached a point where it is time to find that balance.  I want more meaningful connections with people, with friends, but that does not change unless I do.

It scares the shit out of me.

So let’s begin.

- Jack Kornfield

This is an interesting one to me.  I have seen this many times in myself and others in relationships, or things we do.  An example is having the same ‘problem’ occur in different relationships, until you address the thing that is trying to get your attention.  I’ve seen it a lot in athletes who have had a sticking point, such as confidence in their ability to perform.  I often think cycling or other endeavors such as this are a vehicle to resolve our inner conflicts because cycling in particular is such a physically and emotionally demanding sport.  It forces you to address your inner conflicts or you simply do not achieve what you want to.  Then if you do, pieces of puzzle in the rest of your life fall into place as well.