I realised not long after New Year and after a lot of meditation and reflection, that one of my filters, or blocks is how I perceive wisdom is gained through negative learning. That is, I have learnt a lot through experiencing what I don’t want, and I have a massive fear that it will only ever be this way. That what I need to awaken, is only provided through life circumstances of negative experiences. I have perceived it to happen so many times, that I have come to expect it. But this also puts out an expectation to attract negative learnings.
This is not true though. I have learn’t a tremendous amount through Buddhism and it has been positive. KC made a great point that negative experiences are easier to remember. They make a bigger stamp in our memory because of their negativity. Norman Fischer elegantly summarized this in his Zencast Podcast Big Problems, by saying “It’s not necessary to suffer. It may have been necessary to bring you to this point of peace, but it is not necessary to go on that way.”
I gave the feelings space, and reflected on my year of, deciding it to be a year of positive challenge. Learning through positive challenges, and the my intention to shift my perspective on my habitual, conditioned perception. A big part of that is receiving. Always regarding life to present you with negative learning experiences is a filter of deprivation: always been deprived. Therefore seeing that, and actually allowing the door of receiving to open has resulted in a lot shifting.
Going deeper, I realised the root emotion was fear – of not achieving my potential. I have a massive fear that I am not good enough (probably one of the most common western fears… oh how normal!) How do I let go of that fear, when to stay attached to it keeps me striving forward, and motivates me to prove the fear wrong. You see that is the conundrum: our fears can often have a positive effect, and drive us. Accepting fear feels like accepting I’m not good enough. But I know fear is just an emotion, and I am not my fear.
Who I am if I am not striving for this picture I see as my potential? Maybe it is easier to grasp onto that fear – at least I know what it looks like, and I know what I look like with it.
Part of my solution came to me in meditation, and I said to myself “I am not my blackberry,” laughing out loud.
I am not my clothes
I am not my shoes
I am not my friends
I am not the food I eat
I am not my job
I am not my thoughts or emotions
And, I am certainly not my filters or habits
If I am scared of not living to my potential, then the answer is simple. Accept I am not where I want to be, and that’s ok. Do not put potential outside of myself, keep it within, and live to my potential NOW.
