Last week we were given homework to observe passive and active rage or anger. Secondly, to notice how we respond when a friend or partner is in a state of anger or rage. How did you get on? I had a relatively calm week, with only one small instance of awareness to anger and noticed I internalize it. I was wound up about a situation and I did not respond outwardly, but internally tensed up, felt very agitated and let it spiral inside. Upon reflection I noticed I internalize anger a lot which cannot be good for my body. There is a massive correlation with a huge number of statistics around emotions and there consequent bodily illnesses. A book called Destructive Emotions, by Daniel Goleman and The Dalai Lama outlines this research beautifully.
Our homework for this week builds on this. We are to watch ourselves when someone gets angry (with us) and find positive, yet active creative responses. Positive meaning, to help them, and us.
We also talked about different cultural perspectives are on accepting compliments, or even pointing out good things in others. It is certainly a typical one in NZ and English culture to point out negative traits in people, or more accurately in peoples behaviour yet remain silent when they have done something well, or you notice they are having a great hair day! Also, to self depreciate when someone compliments you, and not allow them to give the gift of that compliment. This is something I really used to struggle with. Every time I received a compliment I would not receive it, and push it back to the giver with a self-deprecating comment about myself. That was until a 13 year old girl said to me “I think you know more than you realise” and made me realise putting myself down was not healthy. Thank you young, wise one.
To be perfectly honest I do the self deprecating stuff to get more recognition. If I say no no I wasn’t that good the other person will go on and on about what a terrific job I have done. I am an egomaniac that way.
With the anger thing I really try to surrender it. Anger for me is deadly. It eats me up. I also need to find my part in the anger. Why am I so disturbed? When I do, the anger drifts away very rapidly.
The other thing with the anger or resentment is that if i don’t let it go my mind will play with it for a long time and I will get more angry as times goes on.
There are so many components to anger aren’t there. It’s an incredible teacher.
Yes – the correct response to a compliment comprises two words: “Thank you.” or the slightly longer version “Thank you. That is most kind of you to say that” It took me a while to work that one out.