I used to be shy of feedback. In fact, I had no confidence to receive positive feedback, let alone anything constructive to help me grow. Receiving feedback – to grow, is an essential part of our evolution as people. If we want to stay on a flat line of existence, responding to, and be commanded by our senses, our cravings, our tendencies, or our conditioning, then we do not need to listen or look within.
But if we want to grow, we need to listen. This can be frightening, exhilarating or damn right awful. Whichever is the case, this comes from:
- Our perception of the feedback: whether we see it as positive (even if it is negative), changeable, or personal.
- Our habitual response to feedback: do we blame others, get defensive?
- Who the feedback comes from
- How important the feedback is, in our life
It takes time to learn how to receive feedback, and let go of the vulnerability around being right, or simply not knowing; and being ok with that. Once you realise that to be vulnerable, to open yourself to that, is a huge strength, then you can take it on, chew on it, and spit it out as growth. This first started for me when I decided to say thank you if something complemented me. I struggled with that at first, always negatively responding to positive feedback. If someone said something as simple as “your hair looks nice today,” my habitual response would be “no, it looks awful,” or “it was fluke today.” Saying, “thank you” created a big lump in my throat, but gradually that went away.
Next came anonymous feedback through work. This happened three years in a row, surveying people I worked with (an external organisation did it for me), and then comparing the summary of these results with where I thought I was in various aspects of my role. This was enlightening. I learnt I had strengths I did not know I had. I also learnt that this process allowed me to close the gap between where I thought I was; my own reality, with true reality, which aided my mission: to see things as they really are. Not through my habits, not through my conditioning, or emotions.
At the beginning of this year I did this process with friends and family using the online audit form on Kerry Spackman’s website. He encourages this process in his book, The Winner’s Bible
The skill of how to receive feedback is important when uses tools such as the online audit. From the above experiences, I have learnt to ask myself the following questions when receiving feedback:
- Is this a repeated stream of feedback? Has it happened before? If it has I will take it on, and look at solutions.
- Is it something completely random, and likely to be the persons reaction, or button being pushed? This is important to differentiate, because often we can take on feedback, and take it personally when we do not need to. If someone has fired an arrow at you, because of their own stuff, then you do not need to twist and turn it, to create suffering.
- Look for examples of situations to contextualize the feedback. Are they right? If so, is it important to me to change? If so, how am I going to do this?
